Looking for Heather? and a Whole Lot More!

I sent out a note in search of Heather, who is fighting WG and trying to keep custody of her children from her less than stellar ex. We hadn't heard from Heather in a few weeks and I was really concerned as to what was going on. Was her WG worse? Was the ex still coming off as the Saint that we know he ain't? Much to my relieve, Heather posted. You won't believe what you will read next. Heather and are in the same boat, paddling in the same direction and leaving a ripple behind of where we've been, but we are still paddling and looking forward. Hopefully, the next bend will be full of good surprises for us both. Heather's e-mail goes like this...


Hi Everyone.

Lots to read and catch up on - first of all, Steve, congrats. I dream of hearing the word, 'remission'. I retained an attorney this week in my domestic case.

For those that don't know or recall, when my ex discovered that I had Wegner's, he decided that he'd file for custody of my children.My lawyer was great and says that my ex will legally be bound by the court order - and that we should be able to settle it quickly once he retains a lawyer.

Yesterday, I heard from his lawyer that he wants to 'settle' the matter. Life goes on...I will keep you posted.I am feeling very depressed. In addition to the personal matter with the kids, I am watching my law practice fall by the wayside - and my home go into forclosure. The fatigue is amazing. I'm take an antidepressant, and have been for awhile, and started therapy for someone else to talk to, but mornings are tough. I'm on Imuran and weaning off prednisone. I started at 60 mgs. about 5 months ago.

Everytime I reduce the amount by 5 mgs, I have extreme body pain everywhere. My MD says it's prednisone withdrawl. Has anyone else experienced this? What do you do to combat this fatigue?Do other's deal with this depression, or do I need to 'suck it up' like my father would have said if he were alive. I'm having a harder time getting up every day. Pain, fatigue, etc...Friday, I've got an appointment with a facial pain specialist at Hopkins. I've got trigeminal neuralgia b/c the wegner's have eaten so close to this major nerve.Are there any others out there with WG and TN? If so, I'll let you know what they say. I'm currently on Oxycontin and Oxycodone for 'break through' pain.

Thanks for any advice.
Heather

Here's my post to Heather.

Hi Heather,

Sorry to hear you are going through such a rough patch. I, too, was in pain-especially my back, that I would cry because it hurt so bad. I even called my sister, who is a nurse. She said to put a pillow between my legs, when I sleep on my side. I do it without thinking about it, now. I used a heating pad and it helped. No more than 15 minutes at a time, though.

Have you tried the pain patches? You have to change them every three days. My step dad used those and they worked well. I know that when my prednisone was below 10 mg, then my joints in my hands, feet, knees, etc. ached. Does your doctor have any other suggestions for you? I was told not to do a massage because of the prednisone. Your tissue and bones can be injured fairly easily because the prednisone wreaks havoc on your bones. Are you taking Fosamax once a week? This will keep you from getting osteoporosis.

I can imagine your depression. It is hard to force yourself to do things, when you don't feel well. When I couldn't do anything and I mean anything.(My mom had to put me in the shower, get me out of the shower, I sat on a shower chair in the shower, Mom wiped me down, helped me dress as I had all I could do to get to the couch and lie down) She made me lunch and took care of me for 2 and 1/2 years faithfully. I am waiting for a lung transplant and my mom is the wind beneath my broken wings, until I can fly once again on my own.

Have faith that your condition will improve. I think that once your ex-husband situation is over, you will feel better. To combat what I was going through, I read all the time. That was all that I could do. It kept me focused. Like you,few people understand about the reality of WG in your daily life.

I am in the process of a divorce because my soon to be ex couldn't handle me being sick, so he took it out on me, heaping verbal abuse upon me daily-day and night. My poor mom was beside herself as she wanted me to move in with her. I was so sick, I couldn't even defend myself. This does not include his children, who have been abusive since the day I married their father. After getting sick, I realized that the kids were just like their father. Very scary!!!

Even though I need a lung transplant, I am much happier at my mom's. I should have baled out from the beginning. What a lesson to learn, unfortunately.

So, Heather, keep us posted on your progress and what your doctors suggest.

Wishing you the best.
Marge

More from Heather...

Marge,

Thank you for the reply. I have been a single mom for 1o years and thought I finally met the man of my dreams. He cared for me and my 2 awesome children while I was desperately ill. In May, I was diagnosed and began treatment.

Since then, my white knight thinks I should be capable of more....as an attorney...making money...taking care of the house...making gourment meals....you name it. I feel a growing resentment. It makes my heart ache, b/c I thought he was perfect.

It's the lack of money that drives him crazy; it has changed his personality fundamentally. I used to make well over 100K as an attorney. I think I made $3,500 in the past year - pushing myself to write an amicus brief and hold onto a few national clients. But I think I am loosing the battle. I am thinking about closing the office, quitting the practice of law...after 17 years. It would be a difficult career to continue since stress can yank a Weggie out of remission. I used to live on adreneline and have so many proffessional accomplishiments.

I only wish I could achive a personal accomplishment - a happy marriage. I think Wegener's has ruined that chance for me.It makes me sad, but things has definitely changed. He used to be a doting, caring, emotionally available, man - in addition to the sexy, intelligent, strong and steady kind. Never met anyone like him... but things are not going well. I think WEGENER'S can kill anyone in it's path - not just the person dealing with it.

GOD BLESS YOU.
Heather

Our Heather needs are blessings and I sent her the following- a true account of my so called marriage. Mom would not approve of me doing this as I would be airing dirty laundry-but I am coming clean in order to help someone else, especially Heather. I would rather tell the truth and know that if I can save one person, mind you , one person, then I have fulfilled my duty in life. To help those in need as I have been helped. If you don't want to read about my dirty laundry, then reel in the clothesline and shut her down. If you can learn from my experience and have a better life, then my ten years of ______here on earth will not have been in vain.

Hi Heather,

You have courage and fortitude that will pull you through.

As far as this fellow in your life, you are seeing his true colors. Sorry to be blunt, but what you are currently going through was what I went through.

My husband back in the beginning was thrilled to be married to me because in hindsight, I paid all the bills pretty much. Car insurance for 5 vehicles, though I owned only one of them, grocery bills, Sam Club's bills to the tune of $300 per visit, phone bill, prepaid the oil bill, so that he would have money to send his kids to college.

Also, I paid the taxes-town, school to the tune of $6,000 and also, our yearly taxes. He was getting a free ride. He had money to put into a retirement without my knowledge. Meanwhile, I didn't have enough to do that as I was paying the bills. Silly me.

Meanwhile, he made out like he didn't have much money. So, me being me, I paid the bills. The back of his old farm type house needed to be fixed as the foundation was giving way. I invested over $10,000 to fix it and upgrade the back of the house with a new bathroom with a big stand up shower. His parents were/are elderly and it was much easier for them to use this bathroom.

I had the side porch completely enclosed and redone. Meanwhile, his kids threw a fit that they wanted it the way their mother had it. It was a wreck and needed fixing. They went to the store to find the paint and wallpaper when they realized they weren't going to win that battle. It was a whole lot of nonsense.

When we finally sold the house, the only reason it sold was because of the new porch-the lady has tons of plants in there and calls it her Florida room and the new bathroom with the washer and dryer there. I just saw them this past weekend.

Well, when I fell sick and could no longer work, he was not a happy camper. According to him, I was ruining his life, he had no social life because of me (meanwhile, he had no social life before I came into his life) His friends now are the people I introduced him to. I was going to bankrupt him because of my medical condition.

When I became so seriously ill, I took the A Plan, which cost more in premiums, but paid for everything, including my frequent ambulance rides. He told me not to get a lung transplant because it was too much for him. I couldn't expect him to live in Pitts., PA for three months after the surgery and take care of me, because it was too much for him and besides, my mom was too old to go through this too. I needed to think of him and my mom and not have a lung transplant. Also, he informed me that we would be living in a cardboard box with a tin roof.

I could go on for ten more years about theses yahoos.Oh, when he started paying some of the bills, he complained bitterly. An $80 food bill was bankrupting him, though 1/3 of it was for beer. He started drinking heavily this past year.

Meanwhile, when his kids were home, I was spending a heck of a lot more and I didn't say a word to him about the expense.

Well, his true colors came through loud and clear when I was diagnosed with an unknown vasculitis and Pulmonary Hypertension. These types of fellows "love" you when you are footing the bills, making them comfortable-doing the meals, laundry, cleaning, etc. They have it on easy street, but when the road becomes bumpy, they don't want to "take it." They don't step up to the plate as my counselor says.

Speaking of counselors, find yourself a good one and explain what you are going through and no doubt, s/he should be able to give you strategies. To be perfectly honest, when I finally decided to get out of my no win situation, a boulder had been lifted from my shoulders. Health wise and mental wise, I am doing so much better. You might find this to be your case, too. I can empathize and sympathize with you as we are walking down the same path.

Have you consulted with a second WG doctor? Perhaps, a new doc. could add more to your care and make you feel better. As far as giving up your job, I had to leave teaching. I LOVED my job, especially the kids. They were the light of my life and they were just like my very own children because they were with me for four years 9-12. They still send me cards, call, visit and are real blessings in my life.

I wouldn't be able to return to teaching because of the germs, even after the lung transplant, so I am creating a Website for French teachers that will cost them to use for the year. I am living on disability, which isn't much compared to what I was making. So, hopefully, this will work out to help me financially. I taught French for 20 years + and took adults and students to Canada, France, Italy, etc. I took the kids every year to NY to see a French play, a French restaurant, etc.

I was so active and now, I can barely walk short distances without huffing and puffing. So, Heather, you have a lot to think about. You will have to reinvent yourself somehow. The essence of you won't change, but what you will be able to do will.

But, in the end, you are still alive and there for your kids. Money can't buy you happiness, health, love or a free ride. Perhaps, you could create a website on how to choose a lawyer, helpful hints, etc., where people pay a flat fee to glean all the info. you can provide them.

Keep us posted. If you should like to talk via the phone, e-mail me your phone number at mmottarot1@hotmail.com and I can call you.

My best to you, Heather.

Keep going. It will get better. Just another bump in the road of life. If you want, you can check out my blog at http://www.breathingtolive.blogspot.com/ and check on the train entry. It will inspire you. It did me. Let me know what you think.

Hugs,
Marge

You are probably thinking that I am nuts to be openly discussing this. But I have to say that it is embarrassing to me to have allowed myself to get in this situation in the first place. I always wondered why women stayed with physically and mentally abusive men and I thought it could never happen to me. I am smart, educated, have a wonderful, kind, generous, sweetest mother you could ever have ( she has given me her life so that I can live) A mother's love is never ending. I just figured that was how life is. But then the shock came of a totally dysfunctional family that thrived on their dysfunctionality and loved being the way they are. They know no better and have created their "own reality" that is so far off base that it is scary.

Consequently, I had a difficult time dealing with this constant non-reality group of yahoos running amok on a daily basis. We could never have a meal without a fight ensuing between the kids or the kids and Al. Talk about dinner time fun. We couldn't go out as a group without whining, complaining and misery surrounding them like the blanket of Linus from Peanuts. It permeated everything in their lives and mine as I was married to Al.

But, in reality, Al wasn't married to me. He never was. He finally admitted that the reason that he married me was to save him and his children from the black hole that they were living in after his poor wife had passed away.

That is entirely another story that makes me sick to my stomach with what she had to endure at the hands of her so called husband and so called children. I don't say this lightly as I have heard from many people the sad tale. So not am I only speaking on my behalf, but also on the behalf of this woman I never knew. She doesn't have a voice because she is dead. So, I am her voice and mine too. And I really don't give a darn whether people like it or not. It needs to be said.

Am I disappointed in myself for allowing this to happen to me? You betcha. Am I getting over it? Yes, on my good days. The bad days are when people say to me that they feel so badly about what happened and that I didn't deserve that type of treatment from him or his kids. They, also, tell me how abusive Al was to Kathy and how the girls never helped their mother when she was sick, but Sam did.Kudos to Sam. This was from Al's own family members that told me that. It is so sad that it breaks my heart. A dying woman left in the clutches of those people. If anyone should get and be in Heaven, then it is Al's first wife as she deserved so much better than what she got.

They are so disrespectful, that for years, I paid for the flowers to be put on her grave. I felt so sorry for her. I would purchase flowers at Noxon's Frog Pond and ask Sam to pick out the flowers that he wanted for his mom. Then, he and Al would go and plant them. Or so, Al said.

His daughter called to say that she had discovered flowers on her mother's grave and why wasn't she informed of this? Why wasn't she included? Let's see, there wouldn't have been any flowers if I hadn't paid for them and insisted that they be planted in honor and respect for their mother.

Secondly, when I first married Al, I asked him to take them all to the cemetery and plant flowers only to have Sara and Becky throw a hissy fit that they would not go with their father or Sam to put flowers on her grave. They physically threw themselves around and drove off to God knows where. Al was devastated and I was appalled. I couldn't even say anything because I had never in my entire life seen such actions. This was constant and I could never adjust to these wacky, crazy, disrespectful actions. The poor mother.

Instead of telling Becky the truth of who made sure her mother had flowers at the cemetery, I kept my mouth shut. But no longer! They can't do me anymore harm as they have done the worst. The only thing left for them to do is knock me off. I know they were hoping for that when I got sick. But, once again, I disappointed them. Aw, shucks. The she devils were disappointed once again. They came to the hospital to gloat about me being so very ill. They wanted to see first hand my supposed demise.

My confidence in Al, to tell the truth is nonexistent, at this point. Though, when I bring up these items of him and his children not telling the truth, he accuses me of picking on him. For crying out loud, the man is 54 and he can't deal with hearing the truth as if I could make up all of this. Please, spare me and everyone else he has lied to along with his kids.

During the divorce process, Al has said some rather nasty, untrue statements about me within the hearing of some BG students, who unbeknownst to me, came to my defense. I've said repeatedly and I will continue to say that my kids at BG were the best. I loved them all and I think that they knew this as they have stood up for me time and time again. I bless them for telling the truth and being honest whereas the husband I thought I married turned out to be ______________ and his children no better. It is a disgrace that Al and his children have maligned me so, when I gave them everything I had, even my health. They still can't tell the truth, nor be honest with themselves, each other and their friends and family. It is truly a sad day for me to have learned this.

After confronting Al about his untruthful remarks about me robbing him of his Mustang and the furniture, which is still there by the way. Their animals ruined perfectly good furniture and why would I want the nasty stuff! I had all new furniture myself when I moved there only to have them damage and destroy it. Of course, they would never tell the truth about stealing my possessions and hiding and destroying them. They destroyed several sentimental items that were given to me by special people in my life.

The one that broke my heart was from my step dad, who spoiled me in a good way. He was generous to everyone. I would record French music for my kids at school and give them the music on cassette tapes. I always would go to my parents to fast dub the tapes as I would have to do 20+ tapes at a time. My step dad would joke with me about it.

One day, my parents showed up with my very own radio, cassette dubbing machine for me to use at my house. Well, Al's kids destroyed this without admitting to it nor apologizing. I went off to the repairman in Bainbridge-the fellow across the bridge and he said it was not worth fixing as it would cost me more to have it repaired than to buy a new one. Did Al ever do anything about this? Why no. His cherubs wouldn't do any such thing.

Meanwhile, my BG kids overhead Al talking to the new woman in his life, who wasn't so new after all- another story that he denies-but people once again feeling bad for me, have told me the truth-Al denies once again his involvement in these loathsome activities-but as you can tell, I have had enough of being unfairly slandered by him, his kids and their so called friends.

Furthermore, he keeps telling me that he hasn't done any of these things and he swears on his wife's grave. That's a real good one, let me tell you. I informed him to let her rest in peace. He and his kids have used her death to the hilt for sympathy, manupilative purposes, etc. Enough already. This has been going on for well over ten years. Just let her be, for goodness sake. Not to mention that Becky and the wonderkin Cory asked people to donate to the cancer society in her mother's honor. What a great show for those all attending, while the gravesite of her mother was in deplorable condition, not a flower in sight, only a mass of weeds. Talk about disrespect, Becky has it in spades. She sure did look good to those attending, but the dirty little secret is out.

By the way, what I am saying here is nothing that good ole Al hasn't heard from me. If you want to know if I am telling you the truth about it, feel free to call him at 607-967-4600 and I am sure he will enlighten you.

Speaking of Kathy's grave, when Al was here I told him that he needed to apologize for maligning my mom, which was the straw that broke this camel's back when I left. I will take abuse, but when you start on my mom, you had better run for cover because I am relentless and I will run you over if it is my last breath and I don't say that lightly as I am on oxygen. After my shaming him into apologizing to my mom, I told him to go and clean up the cemetary and put flowers there for Kathy with his kids.

This evening as I let him have it for being such a ______________, he told me that he had cleaned up the gravesite and put flowers there. If he did this, then perhaps, he has learned a little something about respect. I shouldn't have to tell him this, though. Once again, if he loved his wife, he would have been doing this all along.

You are probably wondering why I can't let go, since I am out of the live reality show that doesn't need a script, only a camera crew to follow the yahoos and the new woman in Al's life that he is madly in love with. He hasn't moved her in yet as people have already told him what a loser he is. Well, he doesn't want to admit to the fact that he is less than honest, so if he moves his new woman in, it only proves what a __________he really is. But, as I told him tonight, we all know the truth, so show her over the threshold and put her horses in your pole barn minus the Mustang that I supposedly stole from him.

Well, what did get me all revved up? It was Al asking me to have my lawyer, remember Al didn't want a lawyer because it would cost him MONEY, even though I advised him numerous times to do so and my lawyer even advised him of this, write a letter stating that this was it, there would be no changes in our agreement.

So, in essence, Al was insinuating once again that I was taking advantage of him. Imagine that?!! Well, I heard that about once too many times. So, the good people of Bainbridge heard me in the street in front of the pharmacy letting Al know just what I thought about who was robbing who. Instead of owning up to his insinuation and blaming me for misunderstanding him-oh, everybody else's fault, except his own in his book of lies- this continued on into the town hall, where he told me to calm down. Calm down after being talked to this way and hearing all the Kathy and Al stories, the new woman stories. What planet does he think I am living on anyways? Well, the good folks in the town hall got an ear full and frankly, I didn't give a hoot. Of course, Al didn't want me bringing up any of this because he would look like a _______________________and rightfully so.



Does the apples not fall far from the tree? Who would have thunk that Newton's Law of gravity would prove the Arotsky Theorem that you are what your parents make you and teach you-the supposed role model for being a good, upright citizen. Where did they get lost? And why don't they try to get back on track? I don't have the answers and I suspect that I never will. The problem is that they are narcisstic-money first, me second, my pets maybe and to heck with the rest-you exist in their life only to be used and when they can't use you anymore, you are kicked to the curb like yesterday's trash and if you are their friend, then you are just like them.


In my phone "conversation" with Al, he asked me when I would stop hounding him, picking on him and his cherubs, we are getting a divorce-why can't I just let it go, he asks innocently, as if he has no clue. Well, here is the clue that I told Al, as soon as you stop telling lies about me and your kids stop lying about me, then I will not be calling you on your deplorable behavior. It seems that I am the only one, who tells him to knock his crap off.

Furthermore, I told him I will be happy to put in the paper what I received from the legal separation agreement and what he received. He knows and I know that he got the better deal all the way around. He got rid of me and my health issues and he kept the property on Searles Hill Road. He does not want me to put this in the newspaper at all. Hmm.. I wonder why not???!!!

I, also, told him that I would also declare in the newspaper that I would not seek anymore of his assets as he felt that me receiving 50% of the appraised value of the house and property was too much. In his words, he should have had 60% and me 40%, but lucky for me, New York state says 50-50. Is he worth my breath? Not at all, but for Kathy and myself having lived through what we did, I have to tell the truth. She deserved better and I deserved better.

When you don't have a conscience, moral fiber, truth, honesty, love, self respect and respect for others, you end up like this totally dsyfunctional family. They need blessings because they have missed the meaning of life entirely. They will have left this Earth no wiser, no happier, no healthier, no more anything. What a shame. You can always learn from your mistakes and become a better person. Then, people like me can say, at least they got the meaning and made themselves be better human beings, but when you know your faults and you don't want to deal with them, then I have no sympathy or tolerance for you. This entry proves it hands down.

I wouldn't have revealed this, but I am done being pushed around and verbally attacked and now I am simply telling the truth. Enough is enough.

I, also, told Al that I have my checkbook records to prove how much money I spent on him and his kids. My first year into the marriage, $50, 000. Multiply that by 10 years- an average amount. I offered to have the bank pull these checks and send them to him and if he was so inclined, he could start making restitution on a monthly basis. So once again, who robbed who? You do the math.

At the end of the conversation, he said that a newspaper will not print our legal separation agreement in the newspaper, nor will they print me stating that I will not "rob" him of anything else.

Well, I'll be busy tomorrow ringing up the newspapers to find out. Al wanted a letter from my lawyer stating that the legal separation is final and that I won't get anything more. Well, I have no problem stating what I received and what he received. There will be the proof that he has requested in black and white and for everyone to see. So,when he and his kids start trashing me and lying about me, the newspaper has it all.

When you make mistakes, admit it, fix it, apologize and don't do it again. You can be forgiven for that, but when you continue to lie, not accept responsibility for your lies, then you can not be forgiven in my book. We can all make improvements in our lives and how we treat one another. I know that I am not perfect as I told Al, but I can look in the mirror and know that I have done the right things in my life- the important things that count. He, on the other hand, looks in mirror and I don't have a clue what he sees. He probably doesn't know either. I told him to quit his drinking as he claims he had no clue that he even said such salacious things about me. Was he so drunk with his new woman, that he forgot what he said or did he merely "forget" like his kids did when they broke all my stuff or stole it or hid it. They don't even tell each other the truth. The only thing they all agreed upon was running me out of their dsyfunctional family.

I should have rode out of Dodge when I could have done it on my own.

If you see Mom out and about, please do not mention this to her as it only upsets her. This is my business and what stays on the blog, stays on the blog. My mom doesn't need to know or be reminded of my past ten years. She already knows the price I have paid and it only makes her feel helpless and sick.