Heads Up on Toilet Seats Down!

The mishap of a missing cellphone, once again, came to roost chez Tiffanys today. Colleen, a lovely young lady e-mailed to tell me of her very own dilemma with her cellphone that recently occurred. While in the bathroom stall, her cellphone took a dive into the toilet causing it to be waterlogged. Apparently, these modern communicators are not water proof. I can't imagine how Colleen rescued and retrieved that cellphone. No doubt, it was in need of some CPR. However, I did not ask about the details, figuring that was way too much information for me to take in.

Colleen went on to state that she, herself, did not have the answer to my million dollar question-if you have no pockets, where can you put your cellphone to secure it, without leaving it behind. But, when she figured it out, she would let me know. Well, after hearing this story, I immediately came up with a plan. This was high security alert, just like our homeland security. But instead, it is cellphone security while in the privy. I realize this may be privy to only us-but a necessary plan is a must, because I don't know how to rescue a cellphone that is floating in the john. So, my plan includes the following: keep my cellphone securely affixed in my bra and I will not be bending over to flush the toilet, but instead, I shall use my foot to flush. Now, picture me with a cannula in my nose, an oxygen tank in tow in that small stall and a cellphone neatly tucked into my bra. If that doesn't make you laugh, then I shall have to go back to the drawing board.

My cellphone security advisor, Aunt Bea, approved of my red color alert with gusto. If she approves,all is well. So, if any of you need approval, just call Aunt Bea at 1-800-Bea-Help. She has the ability to solve all sorts of problems. She is a trouble shooter of the highest caliber. We almost had to call her in today, when my sister, Helen's cellphone went missing along with my mom's pajama top. I told Mom that she was not allowed to go topless, despite losing it somehow. Come to find out, instead of the four piece set that my sister just bought her, it accidently was packaged as a three piece set sans the tank top portion. So, what is a girl to do without her matching top? Mom called Kohl's hot line to report the missing top and the customer service rep. counseled her to return the items along with the receipt for a full refund, despite the fact that Mom had already washed them. We always wash any new clothes before wearing them.

I digress from the problem at hand of the missing cellphone. When my sister arrived at the Tiffany's abode, I noticed a silver cornered cellphone protruding from her pocket while I was doing my huffer puffer. I stopped to ask her if she realized this. "Why of course", she replied. Alrighty then, I thought. Since my Aunt Bea and Uncle Don were coming for lunch, we ordered out turkey wraps as they had never experienced these before. So, off we went to collect them. Upon arriving at the house, my sister discovered that she had, in fact, lost her cellphone. We all traced her footpaths in the house. I asked if she had thoroughly checked Mom's car. "Why of course," she grumbled. My thought was it had probably slid down under the seat, where it is hard to see and locate. Well, she was certain that was not the case. So, we were back to being gumshoes. Where could that cellphone have gone?

Back to the restaurant my sister went to find, no report of a missing in action cellphone. Her puzzler was puzzled. She said she could call her cellphone if she knew her number. I said, "don't you know your number?" "No", she exclaimed, "it's programmed into the cellphone." Well, you got me on that one. Should we call Aunt Bea before her impending arrival for lunch to kibbitz over the missing phone?

I told my sister that I had her number and I would call her cellphone. As I dialed, she checked the bathroom, thinking it had fallen out of her pocket while using the facilities. Oh, no, Colleen is thinking. Been there, done that! Don't want to repeat that at all! Can't say as I blame her. While Helen was checking out the john, I heard mother yelling from the garage. She could hear the phone ringing, but couldn't find it. Was it in my sister's car? No way, thought my sister.

So, my sister made a mad dash to the garage to accompany in the search for recalcitrant hiding cellphone. I rang at least three times until they found the cellphone. I yelled out, "Hello, can you find me now?" I don't think my sister was too amused with my antics at this point. Ah, well, better to have found it-guess where?- under the seat in the car than in the toilet like Colleen's.

When Aunt Bea arrived, I told her of our cellphone caper as she laughed over the craziness of it. Missing top, missing cellphone, what next? No, please don't tell me. I may have to bury my head under my pillow, but then I couldn't breathe.

So, I'll just have to buck up and deal with the next round of events or adventures as I would like to think. I am sure you experienced similar situations as these.

May you find humor in the face of insanity. Either that, or come join us in the insanity pit of life. We have room to spare.